I never really got to experience true labor pain. As soon as my contractions started becoming intense, the nurse convinced me to get an epidural to "stay on top of things". I don't even know how dilated I was, but I don't think it was much at all. I thought she was being helpful and I'm sure she did too. She was fantastic, attentive, and incredibly supportive. But the decision to get an epidural led directly to my c-section, as I explained in my first post.
I am in the process of researching natural birthing approaches for myself (Bradley, hypnobirthing, the assistance of a doula).
Every time I read a drug free birth story I am in awe. I'm inspired, overwhelmed, and incredibly impressed. I am also scared out of my mind.
Doubt is really, really hitting me hard right now. I am questioning my reasons for wanting a VBAC. There are some obvious ones--no surgery, a shorter hospital stay, a faster recovery, a shorter time away from my firstborn.
However, I must admit that part of me simply wants to experience labor. I want to go into labor on my own, to time contractions, to pace around the house with indecision. I want to go through the rite of passage. What does that say about me?
And I wonder--is my desire to VBAC at its base, a simple desire to "control" things? And if so, is that a bad thing? If I have a need to control the birth process (or at least its outcome), how will I handle the pain? In the end, is it necessary to relinquish control, or seize it, or both?
It is a mental and emotional challenge for me at this point. Sometimes I think I need to stop reading.
5 comments:
I think your desire to labor says that you are a woman and you want to have that earth moving experience. I had always wanted to give birth, since I was a little girl and when my first was born my emergency cesarean, I felt cheated. I wanted to give birth, to push my baby out, to give life!
Now I have friends who have no desire to do that, and that is fine. But if you do have such a desire, I say go for it! It is good to ponder why, but know it is as awesome as you hope it is! :)
Glad you liked my video. There is a dateline hypnosis for childbirth video out there too, there is a link to it on my link page at www.pregnancybirthandbabies.com
I decided not to birth in a hospital because I wanted more control over my environment. Not that I wanted control over the labor, that you have to surrender to or the process doesn't work as well as it should, but that it was MY body and I should decide whether or not I am hooked up to a continuous fetal monitor, whether or not I can eat in labor, whether or not I can have my baby in the water, etc. Not being able to make those decisions made me feel powerless. So it was really more an issue of power then control. I think sometimes we (especially women) have too many negative associations with the word power. There is nothing wrong with wanting your body to work the way it is supposed to work and wanting the power to make the decisions that will best facilitate the process.
I think that by not experiencing normal birth, women are robbed of the incredible power that comes from this experience. Unfortunately there are so few people experiencing normal birth, most women have no idea what they are missing. I had my moments of doubt throughout my pregnancy. Was it really true, those stories I read in Ina May, could it really be like that, etc. etc.? I feel your pain, the journey to VBAC isn't easy. I can't tell you how thankful I am that it is over. But I am also grateful for all I learned along the way, and of course for the VBAC that changed my life.
So glad to have found your blog. I share your same story... c/s with first followed by feelings of disappointment because I "missed out" on labor and a vaginal delivery. Changed hospitals and changed doctors for pregnancy no. 2 hoping for a VBAC. The second pregnancy was filled with crazy emotions... constantly questioning myself, asking 'why do I want this so bad?' 'why am I obsessed with natural birth?' 'am I doing what is best for me and my baby?' I'm here to tell you DON'T BE DISCOURAGED. I followed my heart, trusted my body and had an amazing, natural, drug free VBAC. My baby is 4 months old now and I think about the day she was born all the time. I am so happy I made the choices I did and didn't 'give in' to the doubt. Trust your instincts. Don't be discouraged. Imagine the birth you want and you will have it. So glad to have found your story... anxiously waiting to read more!
It's quite normal to want a normal birth! You can do it. As far as the control issue -- if you can accept the fact that your body will be in control, and your mind can take a back seat to that, your labor will probably go the way you want it to go!
Good luck!
I just stumbled on your blog and read the whole thing. So much of your story is my story too- so much of what you said I could relate to. My VBAC journey is over, I had my vbac baby with an OB in a hospital, drug free using hypnobabies a month ago. I spent a long time preparing, reading on the ICAN-list- where at first I was turned off by all the ob-hating and felt bombarded a bit to homebirth which was not something I was comfortable with. The great thing about that list though is you can just take what you need and leave the rest. The more you read the more you'll understand the point of views there even if you don't agree with them.
I was scared about going med free too but like you my epi contributed to my first c/s so I felt like I had to go med free if I was going to have any chance of VBAC. You know I never really thought I would do it. I hoped I could but didn't quite believe in myself enough to think it was possible. I was in awe of women who did it too. It was not until I was 10cm & pushing that I knew I wasn't getting an epi and I had to do this on my own despite all the support in the end it was just me & my baby. If you knew me you would say that I was the LAST person you would ever expect to have a natural/med-free childbirth. I am far from a crunchy, hippi-ish, granola girl that is stereotyped as a ncb-er. I am a huge wimp, I take tylenol at the first glimmer of a headache, I takes days and days off of work when I have a cold.
Wanting to experience a natural labor was high on my list of reasons to vbac I wanted to have my "It's time!!" moment that I missed out on with my first (36wk induction for pre-ecclampsia). Sometimes I felt like that was a selfish reason.
I hope you continue writing this Blog. As the other women have said it's a journey. I can tell you that in the end it really is worth it. It was even better than I could have imagined it would be. I can't wait to do it all again someday. You can do this and I hope you do. Best of luck!
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